What Parents Can Do to Help Children with Divorce |
Parents do not have to be friends after divorce, being considerate and
business like is more realistic. Treat the other parent as you would a business
partner. Keep in mind the "mission statement" of this new business is to raise
the best children possible. Consider how you would behave with a business
associate you were trying to close an important deal with (you probably wouldn't
resort to name calling).
1. Be on time. Being late is
inconsiderate of the other parent and the child. Being late can interfere with
the other parent's plans and hurt the feelings of the child who is waiting for
you. It can also disrupt the child's routine.
2. Stay out of conflict
with the other parent. When discussing a challenging parenting issue, take a
time out, take a concern "under advisement," cool down, do some processing, and
then contact the other parent with your thoughts. There are two sides to
effective parenting communication after divorce: (1) learn to raise issues
respectfully and without blaming and (2) learn to respond to a parent's concerns
without defensiveness and argument. You will need to learn to attack problems
together, not attack each other because there is a problem. Former partners know
how to push one another's buttons and this can sabotage a business- like
relationship. The following is a possible way to address concerns
respectfully:
a. Begin by asking if this is an acceptable time to talk. Make sure
you can have the other parent's (and give your own) undivided attention for a
sufficient amount of time to have a productive discussion.
b. Avoid
making statements which can be interpreted as blaming or attacking the other
parent. Make a statement to encourage cooperative problem solving such as: "We
have a problem; I need your help."
c. Calmly and objectively describe the
situation and how it is a problem for you or the child.
d. Avoid
interrupting. Sometimes the need to interrupt can be helped by taking notes
while the other parent is talking. You want to learn to respond, not
react.
e. Before responding with your perspective, ask questions of the
other parent and listen to their answers. You want to really understand the
problem from the other parent's perspective. After both parents have shared
perspectives, it's much easier to find solutions that will work for both of you
and the child.
f. Remember you are trying to win cooperation from the
other parent to solve the problem in your child's best interests. If you blame
and attack, you will alienate and invite counterattack.
g. Also remember
you are having a respectful conversation because you love your children and
value a cooperative coparenting relationship.
h. If you get
uncomfortable, feel defensive, or find yourself wanting to blame or attack the
other parent, disengage before an argument begins. Take the matter "under
advisement." Make a statement such as, "I need to think about this. I'll call
you back tomorrow."
i. When calm, continue discussions and work together
to find a solution acceptable to both of you.
j. Create an implementation
plan for addressing the problem: who is going to do what by when.
k. When
appropriate, take turns putting your plan/agreement in writing and share it with
the other parent.
3. Never allocate the other parent's resources
(emotional, physical, financial) without their permission. This means not
signing a child up for an extracurricular activity (like soccer or a paper
route) when it is the other parent's time with the child without talking it over
with the other parent first. When a child is invited to a birthday party, and he
or she is supposed to be with the other parent that day, have the child call the
other parent and make the arrangements with that parent. It is so easy to get
involved in these situations, try to remember this is their business, not
yours.
4. Avoid putdowns and talking negatively about the other parent
when the children are present. Children love both of their parents. Very
often, children need "permission" from a parent to have a good relationship with
the other parent. Encourage the children to have contact with the other parent.
If a child complains about the other parent or the other parent's household,
encourage them to discuss it with the other parent and let them know you are
confident in their ability to work it out with the other parent. "Mom really
loves you. I think you need to let her know this is bothering you. I'm confident
that you two can work this out together." When parents speak negatively about a
parent to a child or act disrespectfully toward that parent, the child will pick
up on that behavior and attitude, and act it out with the other parent (and
you). Help your child have love and respect for both parents.
5. Help
a child understand that Mommy and Daddy are getting a divorce, not Daddy (or
Mommy) and the child. Parenthood lasts a lifetime. Avoid language like "She
left us."
6. Act responsibly so children are secure in knowing a
responsible adult is taking care of them. For example, responsible adults
with a business-like relationship do not engage in name-calling, yelling, and
other emotional outbursts. Another thing to remember is not to give children the
responsibilities which belong to a parent. An example of this is leaving the
determination of the time sharing schedule to a child. This puts the child in an
awkward position. For one thing, it is too much responsibility for a child. And,
a child should never be asked to choose between his or her parents. It is far
better to seek a child's input and for the parents to then determine the
time-sharing schedule. If when seeking input from a child, the child tells one
parent one thing and the other another thing, this is a pretty clear indication
that the child is experiencing a loyalty bind. This child may need to express
him/herself to a neutral, supportive person like a counselor or teacher.
Sometimes a child can talk with both parents together about his or her
time-sharing preferences. This is easier to do with an older child. What needs
to be made clear to the child is (1) we would like your input, (2) this is our
decision, (3) please don't think you need to take sides or would hurt one of us
by your thoughts or preferences, (4) it would hurt us more to think you felt you
needed to protect us from your wishes.
7. Do not ask a child to relay
a message to the other parent. This puts the child in the middle of he
parents' relationship. It also places more responsibility on a child than is
appropriate. Suppose the child forgets, or loses the letter? Suppose the other
parent gets angry when they get the message? Who then suffers?
8. Do
not ask a child what is going on in the other parent's life or household.
This is asking a child to violate a trust. Don't grill children about how they
spent their time when they come back from the other parent's home. The children
can end up feeling like it wasn't okay that they had a good time. Remember,
except in abusive situations, you cannot control what the other parent does with
the child when they are having their time together. If you have concerns,
express them to the other parent. If the child has concerns, encourage him or
her to bring them up with the other parent. It might be tempting to agree with
your child if s/he complains about the other parent, but you should tell the
child to take his or her complaint to the other parent. You need to encourage
the development of a healthy relationship with your child and the other
parent.
9. Let each household have its own rules. If your children
tell you the other parent lets them stay up very late, eat donuts for dinner,
and therefore you should too, tell your children that they will follow your
rules when with you and that you cannot tell the other parent what to do in
their house.
10. Do not use a child as a confidante or depend on a
child for emotional support. This is more responsibility than a child should
have and also puts the child into a loyalty bind.
11. Do not ask a
child to keep a secret from the other parent. This also puts the child into
a loyalty bind. Do not agree with your child to keep a secret from the other
parent. This undermines that parent's parenting role and cuts the parent out of
significant events in the child's life.
12. Do not discuss the
financial or emotional details of the divorce (or problems with child support)
with the children. If they ask questions, ask them what their concerns are
and then tell them that Mom and Dad will discuss them. Children need to know
that their parents are working responsibly to resolve all the issues, and that
they don't need to worry.
13. Try to create as much stability and
continuity between households as possible. Following the same basic routines
around bedtimes, mealtimes, and having similar expectations around discipline,
training, homework, chores, hygiene, and diet will help children transition
between households more easily.
14. Give your children your time and
attention. It is normal to feel like you have to entertain your child when
you have time with them after divorce, but you don't have to disrupt your life
or spend a lot of money on them to make up for lost time. Be yourself and just
have a good time together whether you're doing laundry or playing
checkers.
15. When you cannot see your child regularly, be creative
and and stay in active contact. Telephone, write, e-mail, send postcards and
pictures, make audiotapes of you reading their favorite stories, send them a
video cassette of where you live, work, your pets, friends, etc. Arrange to read
the same book, watch the same movie or tv show and then talk about it together.
When the other parent is far away, videotape a child's softball game and send it
to the other parent. Send the other parent copies of school projects, artwork,
and funny things they said that week.
16. Think of the other parent as
an asset for your child and yourself. Call the other parent when you need
child care, a break, or when you think the child needs the other
parent.
17. Avoid trigger words like "I let you have the kids..."
"My son...." Think and speak in terms of "sharing our kids."
18.
Understand that sometimes a child will share exaggerated or fabricated
information with the parent they are currently with. This is a natural event
and usually an effort to please that parent. The child may be motivated out of
loyalty, concern for the parent's hurt feelings, wanting to gain favor with the
parent, wanting to evoke a "mama-bear/papa-bear" response, and so on. The child
is not lying but rather is attempting to survive, feel secure, diminish fears of
abandonment, and create a positive relationship with the parent with whom s/he
is sharing time.
19. Post a timesharing schedule where the children
can see it. Even children as young as 12 months can follow along with a
color-coded timesharing schedule where days with one parent are red, days with
the other parent are blue, for example. They can even help "check off" the days
as they go by and thereby know where they are in time and when they will see the
other parent again.
20. Be cautious about over-interpreting a child's
reluctance at transition time. Before becoming distressed at your child's
seeming reluctance to transition to the other parent, take note as to whether
the child is reluctant because she or he is seeking to avoid being with the
other parent, wanting to have some control, demonstrating loyalty to you, or, as
may often be the case, is the child having a fun time and just isn't ready to
stop doing what they're doing and go.
21. Focus on your future.
Divorced spouses do not permit themselves to get through the divorce transition
when they are focused on the other parent and refuse to let go.
22.
Introduce the children to new partners very slowly. It is not usually
necessary for the children to meet a casual date or develop a relationship with
a series of new partners. Children may experience separation loss and
be
confused about what "family" and "marriage" mean. Consider only
introducing your children to a new partner after some form of commitment has
been made between you and that new partner. Going slowly will also help the
chances of the children building a positive relationship with that person.
Children often have difficulty if they perceive themselves to be in competition
with that new partner for your attention. During the introductory phases of
helping the children adjust to your new relationship, have some one-on-one time
with each of your children in addition to time you spend as a new family. Talk
with your children about any concerns they may have. A key part of the
children's acceptance of your new partner will be the reaction of the other
parent. Find a time to discuss these issues with the other parent to avoid
problems.
23. Create developmentally appropriate time sharing
plans. Consider that children's desires and needs change over time. What a
six month old and a ten year old can do and what they need are very different.
In general, the following are important considerations in developing an
age-appropriate time sharing plan:
a. Children Under Three:
i. Children under three are
learning to trust others: They express their needs and someone comes to take
care of their need. That person is a "primary caregiver" in the child's life.
The child knows s/he can depend on that person to meet the child's needs. The
child is learning if other people are trustworthy.
ii. When children are
separated for long periods of time from someone they know to be dependable, and
placed with someone who they do not yet know to be as dependable, they
experience anxiety and insecurity. They learn not to trust their needs will be
met.
iii. This concept is called attachment. It refers to the bond a child
develops with his/her primary caregiver(s). Yes, a child can have more than one
primary caregiver. It can be anyone who the child has learned will consistently
and dependably respond to a cry for help. In terms of emotional development, it
is critical that children form secure attachments with their primary
caregivers.
iv. The attachment bonds formed in childhood have been shown
to have a very strong impact on how we relate to others as adults especially in
intimate relationships.
v. Children under three are developing their
attachment bonds and need frequent contact with both parents and no prolonged
separation from their primary caregiver(s).
vi. A parent can become a
primary caregiver to a child with frequent contact, changing diapers, feeding,
comforting, bathing, etc. It's not enough to just have time with the child; it
must be nurturing, caretaking time.
b. Children 3-5:
i.
Once children are passed their "attachment phase," more flexibility
and
longer blocks of time with each parent are possible.
ii. Children under
five still need frequent contact with both parents because of their undeveloped
sense of time.
iii. A posted, color-coded time-sharing calendar in both
parents' households can be helpful to a child in this age group.
c.
Children 6-12 are usually the most flexible.
i. If the schedule is
workable for the parents, it will most likely be workable for the child.
Children in this age group are somewhat like
barometers of their parents'
adjustment.
ii. Regardless of a child's age, a child should have a sense
of being listened to in expressing their preferences for having time with both
parents.
d. Children 13 and up:
i. Children in this age
group usually prefer fewer transitions and longer blocks of time with
parents,
ii. Or they may prefer to have one primary home and "make dates"
to have time with the other parent. Don't let this hurt your feelings. As
children grow older, their relationships with their friends are more important
to them than their parents. Adolescents are creating an identity that is
separate from their parents. They need to "roost" (which means "hang out in
their space"). They also need to be easily available to their friends by
phone.
Kathleen O'Connell
Corcoran, Ph.D.
1948 - 1998
Kathleen O'Connell Corcoran died of cancer
on September 19, 1998. Kathleen was a nationally-recognized mediation
practitioner and trainer, providing basic and advanced mediation, conflict
resolution, and facilitation training as well as supervision, consultation, and
internships. She was a Practitioner Member of the Academy of Family Mediators.
Kathleen encouraged all whom she worked with in mediation to "do the right
thing." She appealed to all of us to be our best and to give our children the
love and support they need.